Understanding the Cycle of Domestic Violence: Breaking the Pattern

It's often said that the family is the basic unit of social life, representing one of the most important values in each of our lives. We want to associate the family home with love, safety, support, and protection from all evils. It is within the family that we learn about love and how to be loved. Unfortunately, there are situations where this pattern of love is entangled with hurt, and the greatest life harm comes from those who should be the bastions of safety and love. What then? In this article, I would like to address the issue of domestic violence and discuss its symptoms, mechanisms, as well as ways to free oneself and regain control over one's life.

Domestic Violence – The Kind That's Often Invisible

Domestic violence is commonly associated with so-called families from the social margins. However, it turns out to be such a widespread phenomenon that it actually affects all social groups, including those "good" ones where parents are educated and hold high professional positions. Social status does not determine the situation in family relationships, but rather how family members treat their loved ones.

In simple terms, domestic violence involves one family member exploiting their privileged position over loved ones to humiliate, injure, and sometimes even restrict their freedom. The aggressor always has an advantage over their victims, the cause of this imbalance of strength is complex and looks different in every family. In the context of domestic violence, it's also important to emphasize that the perpetrator's actions are always harmful, there is no scenario where abuse is non-harmful, but not every perpetrator will be consious of their actions, they may me acting on an auto-drive of intergenerationally learn behaviours. 

Lenore E. Walker, an American psychologist who focused on the topic of domestic violence in the family, observed a repeating pattern that includes the following phases:

The tension-building phase – gradual escalation of conflict situations in the family, causing the aggressor to become irritated, tense, and increasingly prone to start quarrels. Victims of violence typically respond in the same way: trying to control the situation, apologizing for their behavior, and fulfilling the aggressor's whims;

The acute violence phase – the person using violence becomes enraged, increasingly irritated, and the violence takes on not just a psychological dimension but also a physical one (internal injuries, black eyes, miscarriage, etc.). It's at this stage that victims of violence usually decide to seek external support;

The honeymoon phase – a period of remorse, expressing love, and sincere regret from the aggressor, who promises that it was only a one-time incident. Unfortunately, the honeymoon phase quickly passes, and after some time, tension returns and the whole cycle of domestic violence repeats.

Domestic Violence: Germany, Poland, and Other Countries

Domestic violence is a phenomenon that is still spoken about too little. The fact that we don't hear about it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. According to a report by the Federal Criminal Police Office (BKA), the problem of domestic violence is still escalating, as evidenced not only in many European countries. The report shows that in the last 5 years, the number of people suspected of crimes related to violence has increased in Germany by 11%. In 2022 alone, more than 6,500 family aggressors were recorded.

The vast majority of suspects of domestic violence (91.7%) are men, whose victims are usually women and girls. Although these data clearly indicate that the problem of domestic violence in Germany is continuously growing, there is hope as more and more options for victims to claim their rights are emerging each year.

Nevertheless, it is worth. mentioning that women being violent to their spouses and children is also common, but underreported. It is less likely for a male spouse to report their wife for dometic abuse.

Living on an Emotional Roller Coaster Doesn't Have to Last Forever – How to Deal with Domestic Violence?

All types of aggression and domestic violence are harmful or life-threatening, and we should try to change the situation to be safe. Exiting such a pattern takes time and often requires confronting our ghosts from the past. The causes of domestic violence can often be found in intergenerational trauma, i.e., negative experiences passed down from generation to generation. If we ourselves lived in a violent home where we did not receive support, safety, and love, repeating this pattern in another family relationship is much more likely.

If we ourselves are experiencing domestic violence or are the perpetrator, what we need to seek help from someone who can help us better understand our family history, and then indicate how to heal our wounds so as not to transfer them to others. It's the beginning of a long road that can lead us to the desired goal - regaining healthy relationships in the family.

If you need help finding answers, I invite you to schedule a consultation.