How do I control my anger? Tips for controlling anger
This post aims to explore the complex question of how to control your anger. If I were meant to describe the process of controlling anger issues, I would say it is the process of understanding and befriending anger to a point that it has an active and valid seat at the table, but it does not overthrow and take control of your emotional “board meeting”. Ideally you are meant to be the chair of your board meetings – all your emotions are good, even the unpleasant ones – all of them have a valid and meaningful input into your life, but none of them should dominate your existence; may that be anxiety, fear, or anger.
Controlling anger issues
Before I give you tips for controlling your anger, first, let's dive into anger and how it works. This is always the first step of anger management. We need to understand that anger is the reaction of our body to our brain screaming “danger”. Our body activates, it is ready to fight someone or something, run away or hide/freeze. In this reaction, our “thinking brain” takes a time-out all our energy goes into our muscles preparing for action.
Tips for controlling anger
If you have been asking yourself the question “why can’t I control my anger”, maybe you approached the answer from the side of rational thinking. I recommend that the first step of controlling your anger is soothing your body. Fighting the fight or flight reaction just puts more fight in the fight. In other words, my brain needs to get the information “there is no danger, my body is relaxed” instead of “STOP JUST STOP BEING ANGRY!!!”. To do this I recommend choosing a couple of simple behaviors to master in the midst of an angry reactions:
Breathe – when your body activates, your blood pressure increases and your breath starts transporting more oxygen to your muscles. Soothing your breath will soothe your body.
Leave the room – if possible, try to create some physical distance from the situation. Please always inform other parties involved that you are going to soothe (best to even inform them beforehand that you will be trying this strategy in the next argument). Leaving the premise without telling the other party can cross over into the list of aggressive punishing reactions (punishment by silence). I understand that this practice can be controversial in some relationships. I give it as a solution because I have found it is better to try anything than to stay in the highly tense, probably hurtful interaction.
Expressing your feelings – in the middle of that big, unpleasant emotion that is anger, we often argue about the trigger, the topic that our brain codes as “danger”. We often omit expressing feelings. “I feel angry and nervous”. “I feel overwhelmed”. “I feel worried”. “I feel uncomfortable and uneasy”. Understanding and sharing your feelings allows you to see yourself and validate that you are okay. You are feeling unpleasant emotions.
Soothing your body and validating what is happening within you can give you the couple of seconds you need to activate your “thinking brain”. Your “thinking brain” when active usually has fair and logical solutions to offer. It can name compromises, it can explore creative solutions, and, most importantly, it is ready to be empathetic to you and to the person in front of you.
Once again, from my work experience I do understand that anger management looks easy on paper, but the practice is effortful. That is why you should remember to reinforce yourself and congratulate yourself for stepping back and taking a deep breath after every attempt at anger management. Maybe that will not stop the whole argument you are in, but it can give you a moment of relief and self-care. And that certainly counts as a first step in my book.
