Navigating Relationships: Dealing with Physical Aggression and Building Healthy Boundaries

At home, at work, on the street, with a child, teenager, or adult – we encounter various aggressive behaviors almost at every turn. Unfortunately, we usually don't consider what lies behind such behavior, mistakenly thinking that if it doesn't personally affect us, it really isn't significant. However, we must remember that aggression, whether physical or verbal, is can be harmful and can negatively impact not only the victim's mental and physical health but also the perpetrator's. In this article, we will discuss the nature of physical aggression, presenting examples of such behavior. I will also show you several methods for dealing with physical aggression from both the aggressor's and the victim's perspectives.

What is Physical Aggression and How Can We Recognize It?

Aggression is a multidimensional phenomenon that can refer to various actions directed against another person, most often of a hostile or even assaultive nature. Regardless of the specific definition of aggression we adopt, its manifestations always have one common feature – they stem from the aggressor's unmet needs and result in harm, physical or psychological suffering.

Where do these unmet needs come from? According to Dollard and Miller's frustration-aggression theory, frustration causes difficult emotions, such as anger, wrath, sadness, disappointment, which, without proper care,  can lead to behavior – aggression. Difficulties in dealing with these emotions often have their roots in upbringing and hurtful childhood experiences, replicated by us in adulthood.

In simple terms, we can talk about two basic types of aggression – verbal (word-based) and physical. Today, I would like to focus on the latter type, which refers to the tendency to act through harmful acts that can directly threaten another person's life or health.

Examples of Physical Aggression in a Relationship. Is It Just a Lack of Respect?

Physical aggression in a romantic relationship undoubtedly represents one of the most complicated problems that couples face. Aggression strikes in various ways and appears where there are problems with expressing emotions, closely related to early childhood injuries suffered by one of the partners. A characteristic pattern here is the erroneous defining of values - respect and closeness with the subconscious need to punish and control the other person.

Pushing, pulling, hitting with a hand or fist, face slapping (the so-called "slap"), restraining movements – these are just some of the many forms of physical integrity violation. Regardless of the form it takes, aggression is always harmful and should never occur in any healthy relationship where two partners respect and love each other.

How to Deal with Physical Aggression and Establish Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship?

As I mentioned earlier, aggression usually stems from anger, helplessness, frustration, and sometimes even fear. These unpleasant emotions can meet us in various situations, and we should not deny them – each of us has the full right to feel them. It is not experiencing unpleasant emotions that is wrong, but only transforming them into harmful behaviors, which in the long term can be detrimental not only to the victim but also to the aggressor. Almost always, they hinder the building of secure social relationships, and instead of venting difficult emotions, we solidify them and replicate them in the form of the same or similar patterns.

The art of dealing with aggression – whether physical or verbal – always involves recognizing one's own emotions and the source of their problem. This is crucial to be able to take compassionate actions that allow satisfying one's own needs. How to achieve this? For starters, try to assertively express your feelings and needs, without hurting others. If, on the other hand, the difficult emotions concern a situation over which we have no control, let's try to release tension in the body through actions that are not harmful to others and allow us to relax our body. You can choose any means that will accomplish that: talking to a friend, sports, drinking a glass of water.

Remember, working on our own emotions is not only a way to improve relationships in a partnership but also an opportunity to better understand ourselves – our needs and feelings. Importantly, by regulating our emotions first and then taking care of the safety of the other person, we have a good chance of reducing the escalation of aggression, and often even successfully resolving a difficult situation.